•  Book Review: The Adonis Complex

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys
By Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson
Ballantine Books $15.00

Real Boys' Voices
By William S. Pollack
Penguin $15.00

One of the best-loved creations in children's literature is Max, the boy in a wolf suit brought to life in Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are. Sendak told a reassuring story: Even though Max is exiled to his room for misbehaving, he manages to have a few adventures and eventually becomes King of the Wild Things. At the end of the day, when he comes home, he find his dinner, still hot. The little boy is loved and safe, no matter what mischief he might make.

Real life is a bit more complex than a picture book, though, and real boys face monstrous expectations that are beyond their control. Boys are in pursuit of an ideal of masculinity that is every bit as distorted and destructive as the notions that have driven girls to self-loathing, starvation, and despair. Culturally, we have started to recognize the challenges girls cope with and to reach out to them. But boys are still going out alone to face "The Big Impossible," the task of proving themselves as men -- or, in the worst cases, to die trying.

Boys are more successful at committing suicide than girls. Boys are more likely to be diagnosed with a learning disability and medicated to "fix" the problem. Boys are more likely to use guns to kill themselves or other children. The daily media reports make one thing abundantly clear: Boys need more than bike helmets, vaccinations, and seat belts to keep them safe as they grow into adulthood.

Of course, the plight of boys has hardly gone unnoticed. Even before the Columbine shootings, there was already a boom in books written on the subject of boys (even if they are still vastly outnumbered by those devoted to girls). Two recent books, both written by psychologists, are especially valuable when it comes to understanding boys and their emotions.

In Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Lives of Boys, coauthors Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson focus on developing emotional literacy -- the ability to recognize and understand emotions -- as a way to rescue boys from these strict expectations. Boys are hamstrung by a masculine taboo against discussing feelings, the authors argue. Without guidance and support from others, they often find it difficult to sort out their emotional experiences. This leaves boys with a handicap when it comes to managing their own feelings or empathizing with others. Anger often becomes a catch-all response of boys who lack an understanding of their own fears, confusions, or nervousness.

To break out of this destructive pattern, the authors provide a series of seven guiding points intended to help transform the way we nurture and protect boys. Ranging over topics from school to sports, friendships to anger, the book is full of practical insights and information. An important early chapter describes what entering an ordinary classroom feels like to a little boy. The high activity levels, impulsiveness, and physicality that are part of normal "boy energy" are unwelcome in most classrooms -- and boys sense the rejection. A few small adaptations -- like changing the time of an outdoor recess -- can allow boys to learn better and be happier. Once "Boy Power" is accommodated, the authors say, a swarm of boy problems disappears from the scene.

According to Kindlon and Thompson, one of the most important things we can do is talk with boys about the emotional experiences of being human. The goal is to raise emotionally complete human beings who are able to negotiate their own feelings intelligently and react compassionately to others. The advice is clear but not scripted. It covers the essentials, such as learning how to ask questions that boys can answer. Parents who have been stymied in their efforts to connect with their sons might be surprised at the transformation a small change can make. For example, instead of asking, "You weren't scared, were you?" try "That was a little scary, wasn't it?" The first question prompts the boy to deny his fear, but the second makes it clear that it is acceptable to express emotions and talk about them with others. Another important message is patience: Sometimes a boy's silence just means the answer isn't in words just yet.

The importance of learning to talk and listen to boys is the core of William S. Pollack's new book, Real Boys' Voices. In his earlier book, Real Boys: Myths of Boyhood, Pollack explored the emotional damage done to boys by a constrictive code of ethics he terms the "Boy Code." With Real Boys' Voices, he continues his work, this time allowing boys to speak for themselves about their relationships and emotional experiences.

Real Boys' Voices describes the signs that indicate when boys are hurting. It also outlines how to listen so they will speak openly. (The section on identifying depression and suicidal behavior is especially valuable.) The heart of the book, though, is the boys' own voices as they describe the struggles -- and the pleasures -- that fill their lives.

The book has been criticized for supposedly distilling the boys' original interviews to make them conform to Pollack's notions about the Boy Code. However, although the passages were most certainly edited, the result isn't a homogeneous wail on a single note. This is a complex chorus, and the individuality of each speaker is clear.

This book challenges the stereotypes and replaces them with the unique experiences of real boys. These are boys: They dance, like computers, play sports, read, and wonder alone about the universe and their place in it. Some of them have been hurt, others admit they have hurt someone. They are amazingly resourceful. Some of them enjoy close open relationships with girls, parents, siblings, or buddies. Others long for someone or something to hold onto.

It is not easy to read about boys suffering, but there is more than a little hope here. The nobility of the boys who have examined the situation and reasoned their own responses is inspiring. It takes much moral courage to refuse to be hobbled by convention, but there are boys who have done it. The stories related by boys who lived through the Columbine tragedy underline the urgency and the value of hearing what boys have to say.

Research has demonstrated repeatedly that it only takes one dedicated adult to make positive changes in the life of a boy. Both of these books provide information and inspiration to help adults become the sort of person a boy really needs. As Kindlon and Thompson write, "Strong healthy boys are made strong by acceptance and affirmation of their humanity. We all have a chance to do that every day, every time we are in the presence of a boy."

-- Blythe Woolston is a freelance editor and writer who lives in Billings, Montana.

First published October 20, 2000
Last updated October 20, 2008
Copyright © 2000 Consumer Health Interactive

Back to top of page